a new day…

I told myself that today was going to be a new day.

I’m going to try to make the best of my situation. I’m going to do what’s best for me in my situation. If its time to leave, then I’ll leave. However, no longer am I going to allow someone make me miserable or affect my day. I’m no longer going to allow extra weight be added to the weight that I already carry: physically and mentally.

I worked out earlier this morning and realized that I’m hurting me by letting all of this stuff get to me. I need to get my A game up and get my shit together. While they are feeling strength and sleeping peacefully, I’m feeling weakness and no sleep. I hope you all have a great day and wish me luck.

xoxo

I haven’t been posting lately due to not feeling well: mentally & physically.
I have been studying my Korean a little bit here and there, but mostly trying to figure myself out.

Work is 50/50. I go and do my job. Sometimes I get enjoyment and other times, I’m like “Another day on the job.” Why not quit? I do enjoy what I do…just not lately. Mainly because I feel like I’m not progressing as a manager [but how can you manage anything when you barely have anyone to manage?].

I’ve gotten back into the swing of things as far as working out. Taking baby steps as far as how often to work out. However, I am proud of myself of working up a sweat. My eating hasn’t changed…yet. But, I have slowed down on drinking soda all the time. Now, I drink cucumber lemon water and occasionally treat myself to a soda. So, I guess that a mini-progress.

Emotionally…I’m still figuring my 31 yrs old self out. Not as far as what I want to do with my life…per se. How I’m going to move forward with my life is the question. I try to garner positivity or at least seek it from somewhere…but, I always fail. So, I’m trying to find out what I’m doing wrong. Maybe there’s something that in front of me that I’m not seeings or refusing to see. Who knows?

xoxo

sigh…

just laying here in the dark when I should be studying.

I’m bored out of my mind. I want to go outside, but its storming.

seems like nothing can just go as I plan.

I want to be happy, but I just can’t bring myself to do so.

I see others happy, but can’t help the envious feeling.

maybe its not in my cards to be so…happy.

I want a happy marriage as well, but let’s be real…is it possible?

full of uncertainty and disappointment at the moment.

Or maybe I’m just finally tired of it all.
xoxo

Today wasn’t a good day.

I didn’t all the things I had planned to do today.

Migraine was x100, so I just….slept. I didn’t feel like doing anything. When I did rise up, I felt sick. It’s not unusual for to have migraines. However, these are to the extent of last times major migraine. I can tolerate many pains but my head and stomach aren’t ones that I can handle.

Despite being in physical pain…

I feel like I’m going through something mental as well. That it’s this unexplainable delusion, so I just don’t talk about it. I just pay attention. I just watch, watch, and watch some more; feeling like something is hidden, but I know it’s there. Just no key to unlock such door. Some gift wrapped box that I’m not allowed to touch but only see. It’s frustrating.

I hate feeling like I have to be on edge now. I suspect everything now. Every action. Gut intuition is always on x 1000, but trust no longer is available. How does one live their life in such a way, yet move on like….nothing has never happened. Yes, I forgave, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to forget. It was going well, trying to put down new pavement to earning my trust, but it seems like he’s one of those road workers that start the project but doesn’t finish it.

I don’t question it. Why not? Because he won’t see it. He sees himself as trying and would get up in arms, if I disagreed. So, why even bother to speak of something that would cause an argument, which is stupid.

I digress….Maybe I should just keep everything internalized as well as this migraine that’s just waiting for me to submit to the pain and just….give up.

Again, I digress.

xoxo

ehhh…

It’s Wednesday.

It’s wet outside, cloudy, and I feel so frumpy.
Not that I’m trying to jinx myself, but I don’t feel like today will be a good day.
Maybe its the stress.
Lately, I’ve been trying to handle things and be more open with my feelings.
So far, I was doing okay.
But as an overthinker, I’m constantly thinking negative.
As always, I dismiss it. Honestly, I’m trying not to do that this time around.

however….

Two months ago, my world shattered. I reacted in a way that surprised myself. During those two months, I felt caged. I hated that feeling. I hated feeling like I had no control over my emotions. Maybe within the fouth week, I decided to not let that incident have power over me. Move forward. Then I felt weird. I felt like I was moving on too fast. That I was too forgiving. So, I made a deal with my spouse. Give me 3 month [May-July]. I need to get myself emotional together. We can’t start fresh, if I’m still harboring resentment from his infidelity.

Do I trust him? Yes, with our children. No, with me. Well, why be with someone that you don’t trust? Welp, I could come up with at least 10 excuses why, but at the end of the day, I forgave his actions. I have faithfully invested 11 years with this guy. I was willing to try again, not for the sake of my kids, but for my own sake. I think its unfair to oneself if they say in a marriage solely for their kids’ sake. That’s false hope for the kids.

Needless to say…

We have been communicating a lot more, which is good. Sometimes I feel as though he’s keeping things from me or reverting back to the old ways. He assures me that he isn’t, but I don’t feel like I believe him….some of the times. Maybe things will be better. Maybe this was just obstacle that I’ll [hopefully] never have to cross again. We’ll see.

Just realized that I went from one spectrum to the other end. lol. Oh well, Just had to clear my mind.

xoxo