WHATTA DAY

Surprisingly, I’m in an okay mood.
Yesterday, not so much.
Despite my jacked up knee and the constant migraine,
I made a deal with myself yester….er….early this morning whilst studying my Korean lessons.

I’m going to overcome where short-term obstacle that is in my view.
I’m going to tackle my weight issue.
I’m going to devour every negative vibe that isn’t worth my time.
I’m not going to entertain stupidity.

Now, I’m holding myself accountable.
How so?
I love tattoos.
If I fail my mission, no new ink.
I’m determined to do this.

I have too much going on in my life to have an obstacle at every corner.
To constantly feel like a failure.
Even at times, I feel like I’m wearing deflated floaties,
I can do this.

Also, I’m writing on Vocal Media..You can check out my unfiltered writings below.

Beauty in the Eye of the Beholder
The Struggles Of Getting Over A Broken Heart 

xoxo

Excusable folks

I can’t stand people who are full of excuses.

I just can’t.
I understand that sometimes you get a curve ball in life, like getting swamp ass or something. But, not coming to work because of some stupid decisions you made is…stupid.
Not saying that everyone should be like me, but if you work a job or multiples and you get a cheque from said job, then treat it like a job.

I don’t understand folks that complain about their cheque, but won’t come in to do work. Like, fucking really? It’s 8 AM and I’m just…..phbbt fucking annoyed. Not to mention that we’re already short staffed. It must be a breeze to take off work to do whatever you want because “so-so is going to be there.”  I wonder what that feels like. 

A rational person would say, “Um, why don’t you talk to your bosses about this?” Been there, done there, nothing really happened. I can continually say that I don’t care, but I do due to the fact that I’m obviously frustrated….I’m so sick of this bullshit. I love my job, but if I had to pick who I could work with, it wouldn’t be this person. Why continue to work here if you don’t really want to be here? Head scratch moment.

Another thing that pisses me off royally….”Oh, I needed family time. I need to be around my family.” Ummmm….I have a family. I’ve got kids. My kids are younger than…yours. Now, I’m not referring to death in the family type situations, but situations where “I’m gonna just hang you out to dry because I’m taking my boy to the park” type of situations. I make sacrifices with my family time to go to work. I had the flu: went to work ’til my boss told me to stay at home. Injured my foot: came to work. Allergic reaction: came to work. I have a fucked up knee right now and you bet your ass that I still show up for work. I can have a shitty day, bam, I’m at work. There have been days where I felt like I was dying from being cut up on the inside, yet I still came to work. Again, I’m not saying be me, but I am saying, have some fucking intergrity.

Now, looking at this, some may say: “Hey, you’re being a bit irrational. That person may be going through some issues that you’re unaware of.” I would believe that if said person isn’t on social media posting pics of their family time. That’s an excuse. I’m going through stuff right at the moment, however, I STILL GO DO MY JOB.

xoxo

 

 

 

when i’m not blogging….

wishing upon the stars
[courtesty of e.r.l/erlindsey (me)]

Honestly, if I’m not blogging, I’m either studying Korean, creating my thought/quote imageries, or doing something else. Instead of sharing my mopiness this early morning, I decided to share my creative side with everyone [especially the 3 followers that I have….thanks luvvies!]

I don’t post or create these imageries everyday. It depends on the mood that I’m in or whatever I’m feeling. It’s very rare that you’ll get a lovey dovey type one because that’s not how I am. All of my thought/quotes and poems are very raw and unfiltered.

i actually don’t mind people reblogging, reposting, or sharing my imageries as long as I’m properly credited for it. Its not only uploaded to my Instagram, but I also have it on my tumblr and a facebook page. So, I encourage y’all to check it out and tell me what ya think.

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/erlindsey/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mrsericarlindsey/
Tumblr: https://mrserlindsey.tumblr.com

xoxo

ugh…fv*k me.

Things have not been pleasant for lately….especially today.

I had to go see a doc because I injured my left knee 4 months ago at work. It only started hurting about a couple of weeks ago. The pain is getting worst. Ughhhhh….However, that’s not what got me alllllll kinds of upset. I got on the scale and I thought I weighted about 153 lbs. Negative. I weighed 163 lbs. This is the biggest that I’ve ever been in my life. IN. MY. LIFE.

I felt so bad about myself alllll day. Then a friend of mine made my day with her kind words. I lost weight before, granted it took me 2 years, but I did it. I can do it again. I. CAN. DO. IT. I’m proud of me because I didn’t eat fast food today nor did I drink a soda. I can do this. What I can’t do is put pressure on my left knee, so no squats, lunges, or anything that bends my knee. There’s ways around that. I can do this. It’s going to be hard, but I’ve got to maintain a positive attitude.

If there’s a will, there’s a way.

xoxo

a new day…

I told myself that today was going to be a new day.

I’m going to try to make the best of my situation. I’m going to do what’s best for me in my situation. If its time to leave, then I’ll leave. However, no longer am I going to allow someone make me miserable or affect my day. I’m no longer going to allow extra weight be added to the weight that I already carry: physically and mentally.

I worked out earlier this morning and realized that I’m hurting me by letting all of this stuff get to me. I need to get my A game up and get my shit together. While they are feeling strength and sleeping peacefully, I’m feeling weakness and no sleep. I hope you all have a great day and wish me luck.

xoxo

ssssstressed….

I’ve been a bit stressed, but yesterday kind of hit the top for me.

I love my job, but I’m getting to the point where I actually feel like it’s not worth me going into work for the day. That’s baaaad. It’s not the parents or students, but some of the people that I work with. They don’t value the job or care about the job like I do. I don’t have the luxury of not showing up for whatever random reason.

I always tell myself: why care, if they don’t? The thing is: I do care. I care because if I did any of the crap that they’re doing, I would get fired. I shouldn’t have to carry the work load alone because I don’t work alone…[as of lately, I kind of am…]. I try to express my grievances, but I feel like it falls on deaf ears.

Emotionally, I’m tired of that place. I feel unappreciated and taken advantaged of. I don’t feel like I’m growing or progressing as a person. It’s simply, Erica’s there. She’ll handle it. She’ll take care of it. We preach about family and team work. But, we’re nothing of the sort.

I’m feeling burned out. I feel like  my feelings don’t mattered and dismissed. I feel like I just…don’t fit.

xoxo

I haven’t been posting lately due to not feeling well: mentally & physically.
I have been studying my Korean a little bit here and there, but mostly trying to figure myself out.

Work is 50/50. I go and do my job. Sometimes I get enjoyment and other times, I’m like “Another day on the job.” Why not quit? I do enjoy what I do…just not lately. Mainly because I feel like I’m not progressing as a manager [but how can you manage anything when you barely have anyone to manage?].

I’ve gotten back into the swing of things as far as working out. Taking baby steps as far as how often to work out. However, I am proud of myself of working up a sweat. My eating hasn’t changed…yet. But, I have slowed down on drinking soda all the time. Now, I drink cucumber lemon water and occasionally treat myself to a soda. So, I guess that a mini-progress.

Emotionally…I’m still figuring my 31 yrs old self out. Not as far as what I want to do with my life…per se. How I’m going to move forward with my life is the question. I try to garner positivity or at least seek it from somewhere…but, I always fail. So, I’m trying to find out what I’m doing wrong. Maybe there’s something that in front of me that I’m not seeings or refusing to see. Who knows?

xoxo

sigh…

just laying here in the dark when I should be studying.

I’m bored out of my mind. I want to go outside, but its storming.

seems like nothing can just go as I plan.

I want to be happy, but I just can’t bring myself to do so.

I see others happy, but can’t help the envious feeling.

maybe its not in my cards to be so…happy.

I want a happy marriage as well, but let’s be real…is it possible?

full of uncertainty and disappointment at the moment.

Or maybe I’m just finally tired of it all.
xoxo

Today wasn’t a good day.

I didn’t all the things I had planned to do today.

Migraine was x100, so I just….slept. I didn’t feel like doing anything. When I did rise up, I felt sick. It’s not unusual for to have migraines. However, these are to the extent of last times major migraine. I can tolerate many pains but my head and stomach aren’t ones that I can handle.

Despite being in physical pain…

I feel like I’m going through something mental as well. That it’s this unexplainable delusion, so I just don’t talk about it. I just pay attention. I just watch, watch, and watch some more; feeling like something is hidden, but I know it’s there. Just no key to unlock such door. Some gift wrapped box that I’m not allowed to touch but only see. It’s frustrating.

I hate feeling like I have to be on edge now. I suspect everything now. Every action. Gut intuition is always on x 1000, but trust no longer is available. How does one live their life in such a way, yet move on like….nothing has never happened. Yes, I forgave, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to forget. It was going well, trying to put down new pavement to earning my trust, but it seems like he’s one of those road workers that start the project but doesn’t finish it.

I don’t question it. Why not? Because he won’t see it. He sees himself as trying and would get up in arms, if I disagreed. So, why even bother to speak of something that would cause an argument, which is stupid.

I digress….Maybe I should just keep everything internalized as well as this migraine that’s just waiting for me to submit to the pain and just….give up.

Again, I digress.

xoxo

ehhhh….

I am such a terrible eater.
I’m so picky about my food that’s borderline ridiculous…okay, it’s simply ridiculous.
Not to mention those pesky food allergies.

About 8 months ago, I was doing really well on my lifestyle change as far as being healthy, although I still ate somewhat shoddy. Slowly, but surely [despite everything] I stopped working out. When the ahem happened, oh boy oh boy did I pig out. I gained almost all the weight that took me 2 years to lose. I feel utterly…ugh.

I’m frumpy all the time.

[fat + grumpy = frumpy]

I wanna stop being a frump and be a smexy little thing. [dafuq?] 😂
I do want to get back into shape. I was felt great and I was truly happy with myself and accomplishments. So, my goal is 30 days from now, I would like to be in the best shape of my life: staring today!

I already feel like I’m going to fail due to my pickiness. However, I’m going to try to cut out the breads, sodas, and my loving sweets. I think doing IIFYM or Keto diet would work for me the best. I do need to do a change, so that I’m a better influence for my kiddos.

Do I think I can do it? No, but I’m willing to try, lol. Look at all that positive thinking.

xoxo